Simple rules.

Ok, so I have decided that it is time to make a few simple rules for those who would like to date and have any hope at a functional relationship. So, I created a standard application with some questions and rules. Please fill out all questions completely.

1. Do you have a job?
a. yes, full-time.
b. yes, part-time
c. well, I'm an artist so I grab work where I can get it
d. no
2. How long have you been at your job?
a. 3 years or greater
b. 1-3 years
c. less than 1 year
d. unemployed
3. Where do you hope to be in this job in 5 years?
a. advanced at my job
b. advanced at a different job.
c. right where I am now.
d. sponging off someone else who has a job
4. Do you/have you ever done drugs?
a. no.
b. yes, but only if you count marajuana.
c. I have in the past, but have not in at least 3 years.
d. yes.
5. Do you take any prescription medication that makes you stupid if you fail to take it regularly?
a. I am not on any medications.
b. I am on medications, but nothing that alters my moods.
c. I am on medications that alter my moods, but I take them religiously.
d. I go on and off my meds more often than Simon Cowell hates singers.
6. Do you have your own apt/house?
a. I am a home-owner
b I rent my own place
c. I rent with room-mates
d. I live with my Mommy
e. I live with my parents, but I am their caregiver
7. If you have room mates, please describe them:
a. responsible (use this answer if you have no room-mates)
b. fairly responsible
c. pretty irresponsible
d. unable to commit to a houseplant
8. Are your room-mates:
a. respectful (use this answer if you have no room-mates)
b. respectful but forgetful
c. in need of being occasionally reminded that they are not the center of the universe
d. incapable of understanding that they may not be the center of the universe
9. Do you have a criminal record?
a. no
b. yes, but it was a single youthful indiscretion
c. yes, but it was because I was an activist
d. yes, but it was only because I got caught
10. Describe your education:
a. graduate degree
b. some college, but no degree
c. high school and college of hard knocks.
d. what does GED stand for?
11. Please put your iPod on shuffle and write down the first 20 songs that are listed
12. Upon completing # 11, I:
a. was totally honest, but you're going to think I'm a freak.
b. was totally honest, but hey, it's who I am.
c. ok, I took off one really embarrassing song.
d. I took off more than one song
13. List 10 of your favorite movies.
14. List 10 of your all-time favorite TV shows.
15. How often do you drink alcohol?
a. no more than two days in any given week, having no more than 2 drinks per day.
b. more than two days in any given week, but not having more than 2 drinks per day
c. no more than two days in any give week, but having more than 2 drinks per day.
d. more than any of the above scenarios.
16. Do you smoke?
a. no, never developed the habit.
b. no, I did but quit more than 1 year ago
c. yes, but only when I drink OR no, but quit less than 1 year ago.
d. yes.
17. Define your sex:
a. the same as is on my birth certificate.
b. the same as is on my birth certificate, but I get teased about my mannerisms
c. the same as is on my birth certificate, but I don't always dress that way.
d. different than is on my birth certificate.
18. Approximately what percentage of your body is covered with tattoos if dressed in cargo shorts and a t-shirt?
a. none
b. less than 1%
c. 2-5%
d. more than 5%
19. Do you have anything pierced that you would be embarrassed to show your grandmother?
a. no, and my grandmother is conservative
b. no, but my grandmother is thankfully liberal
c. yes, but my grandmother is conservative
d. yes, and my grandmother is liberal
20. Describe the total number of body piercings.
a. no more than 1 in each ear, and no more 2 more that are not visible if fully clothed
b. no more than 1 in each ear, and no more than 3 that are not visible fully clothed
c. 1 or more on my face
d. I set off metal detectors when driving near airports.
21. When was the last time you cried?
a. within the last year, but is not commonly more than once a month.
b. 1-2 years
c. 3 or more years
d. within the last year, and it occurs more often than once a month
22. What made you cry?
a. thoughts of family tragedy/associating with a situation, including movies/music
b. thinking about my past
c. fear of the future
d. who knows, it just happens
23. Describe your weight in conjuntion to your height and body frame?
a. I am proportionate, within 15 pounds
b. I am not proportionate; I should weigh 15-25 pounds less.
c. I am not porportionate; I should weigh 15-25 pounds more.
d. I am super skinny or obese.
24. List the first 4 words that come to mind when you think about your mother.
25. If someone stares at you blankly, how long does it take you to figure out that they are not interested in what you are saying?
a. less than a minute.
b. 1-2 minutes
c. 3-5 minutes
d. obviously, no one is ever 'not interested' in what I am saying.
26. Please exlpain the following statement in your own words: "God gave you 2 ears and one mouth for a reason."
27. When a friend says that they need help working on their house, do you:
a. grab your tool box and a gatorade.
b. evaluate your plans, but more than likely go
c. evaluate your plans, but more than likely do not go.
d. grab colour swatches in hopes of helping them buy new throw pillows
28. When you are on a second date with someone, do you:
a. offer to buy dinner, but let them pay only if you paid last time.
b. insist on buying dinner regardless of who paid last time
c. do not offer to pay for dinner if you paid last time.
d. come to dinner without any means of paying.
29. Describe your perfect first date.
30. Please explain the following statement in your own words: "sex fades, looks fade, even money can fade, so you better LIKE that person sitting across the breakfast table from you.

Thank you for your time.
Please tally your score as follows:
a=10 points
b=7 points
c=3 points
d=0 points
send your essays and your tallyed answers to me, only if your point total is more than 210, and you had no (none, nada, zip, not any) "d" answers.

yeah, this started out to be funny...but then I changed my mind....LOL